I wrote this back on August 19th but couldn't post it then, and if you have ever felt depressed, really sad for longer than normal, this might be nice to read -- to  remember the sun will shine again (like in this pic of Burger when he was teenier) :

Why is it that as mothers we feel we need to handle it all. And that asking for help with our house, our kids, our mental state seems like we've failed. There are lots of jokes about men not asking for help and directions, but I think we women do it just as much. Because of this knowledge and because of my history with postpartum depression, I made a pact with myself that I would make good enough friends, and be honest with them, so that if I started to dip down, I could call them and tell them that I was getting too down and I needed them. 

So this week it happened. I got too low. And it happens what usually does in deep sadness, I felt like maybe my friends had moved on, or maybe they were avoiding me because I was a downer. Which is totally irrational, by the way, because I've been the one that's been out and about for the last few weeks... But I could potentially have been avoiding everyone because I don't want to burden them with my stresses. When you are down, your mind plays tricks on you-- you feel as if it will ALWAYS be this way, that maybe you'll always be grumpy with your husband, your kids, the world. That maybe you are not meant to lead the life you thought you wanted. Lies ladies, all lies. 

So at 1:40 am last night..er..this morning. I got myself to send out 3 messages to 3 of my dearest friends saying that I need a hug, a chat, but I'm too dang low to pop over. One friend called, one came with a hug, the other brought goodies. Salvation I tell you.

God did not make us such amazing, beautiful creatures to have us be eaten up by fears, insecurities, stress. But I do literally get eaten up inside when dealing with stress in my life. But there is a way out...Friends. Ladies who we can be completely honest with. Who we can call out to for help. Who will give and take. Not just take. Not just give. I don't need to see friends everyday, or every week for that matter, but I do need to know that they are there. 

I also need to remember that love is the opposite of fear and that filling myself with love and with doing what I know to be right in my heart can truly change me and my world. And that I am stronger because I know that the fears that envelope me when I am low are not truths-- they are lies meant to hold me down. And I am not less of a person for having those lies in my mind-- I am stronger for having confronted them and told them to "Get out of my head" (I'm not as mild in my actual verbage). 

We are not weak because we cannot do it all. We were not meant to run faster than we're able. Our abilities will increase, but we will always have times where we're hitting the wall with something new, some concept we're trying to adopt into our lives, some obstacle to overcome. The constant is that we always need love, always.... and love is not a weakness.... and neither is asking for it. God's first commandment is to love Him. He knows that unless we fill ourselves with love for Him and ourselves and all those around us, we will not make it through this. 


  1. You are so smart to recognise when you need to ask for help. And so smart to reach out to your girlfriends. Sorry, I'm going to make this a REALLY LONG COMMENT, but I was sent this in an email once and thought you might find it interesting –

    They Teach this at Stanford:

    In an evening class at Stanford University the last lecture was on the mind-body connection - the relationship between stress and disease. The speaker (head of psychiatry at Stanford) said, among other things, that one of the best things that a man could do for his health is to be married to a woman whereas for a woman, one of the best things she could do for her health was to nurture her relationships with her girlfriends. At first everyone laughed, but he was serious.

    Women connect with each other differently and provide support systems that help each other to deal with stress and difficult life experiences. Physically this quality "girlfriend time" helps to create more serotonin - a neurotransmitter that helps combat depression and can create a general feeling of well being. Women share feelings whereas men often form relationships around activities. We share from our souls with our sisters/mothers, and evidently that is very GOOD for our health.

    He said that spending time with a friend is just as important to our general health as jogging or working out at a gym. There's a tendency to think that when we are "exercising" we are doing something good for our bodies, but when we are hanging out with friends, we are wasting our time and should be more productively engaged? Not true. In fact, he said that failure to create and maintain quality personal relationships with other humans is as dangerous to our physical health as smoking!

    So every time you hang out to schmooze with a gal pal, just pat yourself on the back and congratulate yourself for doing something good for your health! We are indeed very, very lucky.
    Evidently it's very good for our health.

    Hope Winter is treating you well, Im x.

  2. Oh and Burger is such a cutie ... is that your garden?

    1. Thanks you so much for that! I totally agree and have come to some of those same conclusions just in my own brain, but never been validated like that.And yes, winter is treating me well. I feel very blessed that I have come through those feelings and can now learn from them. And yes, that's my garden at the end of it two summers ago..it is a wild and weedy wonderland!

  3. Heidi,
    I just read this and it brought tears to my eyes. Tears of recognition. I thought immediately, "I've been there! I am there!" Suffering from depression can be so isolating, so lowering. I am glad that you have friends there to help. I wish I could give you a big hug right now. Love you!

  4. Isn't it crazy that such amazing, hilarious, intelligent (and very humble) women like us can get stuck in such depths of sadness? Having now gone through a bout of depression unrelated to hormones (as unrelated as anything in my life really can be lol), but specifically related to taking on burdens that pushed me beyond my limits, I now have a greater understanding of where my emotional limits are.... THanks for the "hug" and I hope you have some ladies around you to share with too. I love you Hannah.

  5. Dear Heidi,

    I am glad you shared this with me. I will keep your example in my head and when I am sad the next time, I will think of you and send out messages to friends, telling them honestly that I need a hug. I think it's scary as hell, but I'll do it. And I thank you in advance for the encouragement :-)

    Thank you, again, for your kind words and support. Big hugs.