There is a portion of me that loves the clean, modern look (the clean part not being a reality AT ALL in my home currently) and then there's another side of me that, if I had my very own space that was all my own and no one else's-- it would look something like the acid trip of the above picture. Inside of me is a swirling rainbow of color just waiting to burst forth and cover whatever and whomever I'm with. I LOVE being outdoors, free from schedules, just me & my kids, running barefoot in the sand, eating large amounts of ice cream, camping in my van, making flower necklaces, and just being FREE -- free from the rushed "adult" life. Free from the "shoulds" of parenting, mothering, wife-ing, woman-ing. Free from obligations. Some might look at what I just wrote and say
"You just want all the fun & none of the responsibility" & to those naysayers I say:
"Yep, I sure do! Sign me up for some of that!"Having said that, as a wise man (ahem character) once said
"I do not think it means what you think it means"
I don't want freedom from the "responsibility" of loving my children or of loving my husband... of covering them in gobs of love. I don't want freedom from the "responsibility" of filling myself with love for every being around me. I don't want freedom from that. Nope, even though it is WAY hard to do this thing called LOVE, I don't want to escape from the pursuit of it ever-- I may have to take a breather every once in awhile & zone out on the computer, or gallop off to Barnes & Noble for some quiet time, but I want to keep trying.
I do, however, want freedom from all of the crap that other adults fling at me & other moms. I want freedom from the expectation that all moms are going to be able to follow a set mold for mothering or homemaking. That all moms are going to love to have their identity solely wrapped up in the cleanliness of their house. I want freedom from the fear of disappointing others, from the fear of losing friendships because I may not be what they thought I was. I want freedom from the expectations of people who are very detail oriented and like to spend all their time indoors and don't like dirt and don't like "messy people." (If you are someone like this, I LOVE YOU (my husband is a lot like this), but I just am not like you but I respect you & your way of building a home & I hope you can respect me & others like me)
I am "A Beautiful Mess" I love spontaneity, I do my best on the spur of the moment, I am very passionate about my life & pursuits & I love IDEAS, I am full of grand, beautiful ideas on any topic under the sun. I question everything...and I will talk about anything. I love to dance in my kitchen & sing at full volume (slightly off key) and I usually rush out of the house no matter how late in the day I make an appointment (which I dread making) and I do my makeup in the car & my car is covered in bits of toys & food & my kids usually have wild "bohemian" hairdos that can blow in the wind & I love to paint anything & everything in bright colors & my house is never put together nor my bathroom spotless when people pop by, and I may or may not be able to find clean pants to wear on any given day (which is why you may think I look dressed up in a skirt when really I have nothing else to wear). And I argue & lose my temper & yell (which I'm working on), but I'm not perfect...but I'm amazing just the way God made me. And I love God and my relationship with Him is very important to me. And I love that we are all different and that you don't have to have a messy house to be creative or to have fun with your kids. You don't have to like doing things on the spur of the moment or like chatting endlessly about ideas. You don't have to be anything like me, nor I like you. And we can still love each other and not put "shoulds" on each other. If we ever have to live together we will probably fight over how to keep a home, but I know that we can work together, us polar opposites, and have a happy place where everyone feels okay to be them. Once I completely figure out how to do this, I'll let you know.
I just want to be free to be me & you to be you. It sounds trite, but it's true.
(If you find this post a pit hippy-ish, that's okay too, I'm trying not to be afraid of labels either, but that's another post)
* Also, if you know the owner of this gorgeous picture or You are the owner, please let me know so I can give it due credit (and maybe see if you'll let me come visit you :)